Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
