She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
