Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
