how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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