textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I touched a dick in church today
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
