Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
