I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
