why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Your cock deserves a montage
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
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Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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