she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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