I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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