Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
MIDGETS
????
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
