I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
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We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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