hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
