It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
