Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
