tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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