if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
