My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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