If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
