Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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