If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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