I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
