capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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