So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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