That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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