Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
