The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
