life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
