1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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