i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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