1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
