I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
