They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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