He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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