I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
