I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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