Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
are you so shy because you have an std?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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