youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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