oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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