I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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