i jhust puked up my retainher.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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