My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
