Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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