That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
My hand turned me down
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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