i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
