so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
