It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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