I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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