So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
