Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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