i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
