I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
