if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So apparently I’m into choking now
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