so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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