she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
