Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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