so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
