then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
