listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
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I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
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I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy