dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
