the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
