soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I need to calm my uterus...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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