Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
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You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.