OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
