she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
